*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
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I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Kids: Stay in school.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*