We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
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I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
B
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car