Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
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I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Oh my God.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Kentucky names the shit out of places
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
FINE, I WON’T.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit