Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
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Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
It’s a gift
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
📽️movie date🎞️
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00