It’s a gift
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I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
If you had more money you’d be happier.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.