My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
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I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.