What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
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robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
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All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please