robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
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My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Time heals everything 🙂
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.