During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
You Might Also Like
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
I am all good here, 😂😉
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.