Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
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[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”