Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
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All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.