“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort

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If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.


Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.

Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?

N: So?

M: So, I can’t help you.


I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.


A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.


Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?

Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.


“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish


Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.