“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
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If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
asking santa clause for nudes
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Investing in beetcoin
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Bitcoin. Toothurt.