I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
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We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…