If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
You Might Also Like
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish