Somebody call the cops.
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Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Sign of the day..
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
The happy life.. 😊
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.