Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
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Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people
Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!
Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm