Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
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What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.