Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
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the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣