A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
You Might Also Like
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know