guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
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Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
can’t talk my ride’s here
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.