{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
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Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Cha-ching is my safe word
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!