What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
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i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.
I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
waiting for halloween be like:
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently