What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!

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If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh


when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS


I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.


I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.


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Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.


Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Paperwork and shit

Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone

Me: I said “and shit”