What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
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Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.