Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
You Might Also Like
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
no cat here
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
🤣🤣