no cat here
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“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.