no cat here
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I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
he looks great for his age
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Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
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Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
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interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!