I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
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please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Lmbo
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
need a new bf mines broken 😐
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!