Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
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Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
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Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.