Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
You Might Also Like
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
lost dog
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking