ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
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Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Peter Parker Peter Driver
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Why is this me 😫
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell