Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
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The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
My loaf of bread looks terrified
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
I need a headline like this
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.