The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
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Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.