[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
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Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.