If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
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If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
A collection of me turning into random objects.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
it was a valiant fight
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.