My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
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them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’