@tastefactory [ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
@Death_Buddy FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
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@tastefactory 
@BangMyBongo You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
@geekysteven Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
@Contwixt Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
@TeaPainUSA Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
@dragonsorbet Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
@PJTLynch “Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
@truegritrumble WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
@jwoodham I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
@mulegirl Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.