FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
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Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g