Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
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Facebook memories be like
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days