Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
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me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
True?
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Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”
And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
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I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
My love language is deader than Latin
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.