Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
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How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
❤️🦆
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.