*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
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putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .