I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
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The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no