GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
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I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
6: are snakes just neck?
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Yup