My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
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Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.