Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
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Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Natty or not?
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.