How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
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trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Home is where your toilet is.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Baking is just science you can eat.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
They’re not wrong
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in