Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
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cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Love is always patient and kind.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.