if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
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I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch