“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
You Might Also Like
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
me refusing to leave twitter
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot