Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
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Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.