Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
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me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Free him
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.