Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
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People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
The Backseat Boys
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.