You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
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ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
If you love someone, let them sleep.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.