*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
You Might Also Like
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong