I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
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Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
As the Lord intended
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Mouse
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.